FROM AND THROUGH THE HEART
by Ramona Atkins-Smith
I have had it strongly impressed upon me to convey the following information to my family and friends. I leave it up to the individual to choose to have it verified by way of the only source that can give it credence—the Holy Spirit.
I realize that today we hear, perhaps too often, the words "God told me." I admit that I have not been moved to believe the majority of those who spoke these words; too many of them did not strike me as genuine. So this would appear to make the content of my letter strange—it would be far easier to run and hide in my little corner of the world, but of course, that's exactly where God has found me.
Although this is just a small part of my story, the following contains what I am to share with you as well as a few insights. Some of it you will already know, and for some, bits and pieces will enlighten, but may all of it be for your beneficence and edification.
Here I will insert a mystery . . .there have been times when I have know personally the manifested presence of the Holy Spirit. I was around 9 years old when this first occurred. My impression was that it was God the Father intervening and other times that it was His son Jesus—especially the spoken word. Yet, it was one and the same; I did not sense One without the Other. This is an oversimplification, though in a way it is not.
Our communication with God does not suddenly guarantee a wonderful and perfect life. Nor, are you immediately wise. Life is too complex for that. As a matter of fact, it often becomes more difficult because we can become the focus of negative forces. For example the family seems to be dogged by problems lately—like the car won't start, and everything you pick up, you drop; or the problems can be more serious such as illness. For most of us it takes a lifetime to work out our relationship with God, life, and ourselves in general; even when we have witnessed miracles. Loving and/or trusting God and His son Jesus in this tough world is a regular workout. It is also awesome!
The difference in having chosen God as opposed to not having chosen Him, is the outcome. With God on our side problems have more productive resolutions. Plus, the gift of the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort when we choose to trust and call upon this wonderful source.
In the past few years I have dealt with health issues as well as difficult and heartbreaking circumstances. Two years ago my sister died at the age of 52, and my older brother died a few months ago just short of his 57th birthday. My half brother is dying from the effects of Agent Orange and Agent Blue after having been exposed to them in Vietnam. Their suffering was and has been long.
My husband and I, along with other family members, have been praying for needed funds for the refurbishing of HavenRest, a Christian retreat in Tennessee (which we administer to as volunteers), and for publishing our Christian journal the Herald of Hope. All exist solely by donations.
After being confronted with these problems and sorrows in a relatively short period of time, I had reached a point of being overwhelmed and I was angry, confused, and hurt. It seemed that God was just not listening, especially since I had come to the point of begging, "Please, why don't you do something. Why does this seem to go unanswered over and over again?" My face had replaced my knees on the floor . . . and what did I receive for this humble position? Silence!
But I also knew that God is a good and loving god and that something was missing. And it had to be missing within me. I was not comfortable with that thought. Due to my emotional state I knew I had to approach God honestly.
One thing about inner suffering is that it can make us remarkably self-centered without realizing that is what we have become. Let me clarify this—it is difficult to see self-centeredness in yourself when your heart still loves those around you; your compassion for others may still be intact; and you have continued to help those in need.
"So how can I have become self-centered?" you ask. Too easily! The hardships in life have an insidious way of slowly corroding our faith in God's wisdom. We may question His timing; or why a needed job didn't come through; or even question why He has allowed a terrible illness to continue. We become more focused upon our pain when we feel that God has abandoned us. So I found myself becoming more self-centered than God-centered and did not allow myself to truly realize that God is outside of time and knows what I/we cannot see. What He can see is a far larger picture of all the circumstances affecting our lives—past, present, and future, while we are focused on the 'now'.
No matter how "brilliant" I may perceive myself to be (I take a moment to laugh here), I cannot intellectualize answers from the standpoint of 'now." All answers that belong to God are outside of time. Only by quieting my spirit and setting aside ego (which is earth- oriented), and talking to the Heavenly Father from and through the heart, could I hope to receive understanding and peace.
So, I made the decision to go to the pine trees a short distance from our house (nature's cathedral). I sat down on the ground with a heavy heart and let my feelings flow—more than anything else I wanted to understand. Maybe the wish that most of us have is for God to speak to us as we speak with one another—loud and clear.
I found myself, not for the first time, spewing a monologue as I began praying,
"I feel, dear Jesus, that no matter what I ask I can't reach you. I question myself as terrible things continue on. Do you not hear me because I have done something terrible? Isn't the punishment greater than the deed—if I even understood what deed?"
Then I remembered experiences from the past that taught me what I chose to do next…to humble my heart and place my sorrow and trust in God's hand. Trust was the key—the longer I live, the tougher it is to get rid of the mental garbage that leads to turmoil. Next, I asked for forgiveness.
"Forgive me Heavenly Father for all my sins. You owe me nothing. You told me years ago that sorrow is a choice. A choice made from a lack of faith and understanding; or for not trusting to ask for the compassionate comforting of the Holy Spirit. I now ask you to strengthen my faith."
And then I looked up to the blue sky and cleared my mind of all thoughts. I wanted mental stillness. Soon I began to feel tingling warmth permeate my body, and then I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit in and around me. Peace entered my entire being.
The coming of the Holy Spirit is not a manifestation of some euphoric state brought on by acute desire. He is a tangible presence. As a matter of fact, He does not send me reeling, but instead grounds me all the more…things become intelligently clearer and so sweetly quiet. The causes for the turmoil within me are made clear.
With the coming of the Holy Spirit came Father's gentle reprimand. He reminded me of all the times He has moved His hand on my behalf (such as the time when the car I was in slid off of the road down a 15 foot embankment; and you could feel an unexplainable force preventing it from rolling). He brought to my memory all the things He has revealed to me concerning the welfare of my family, and helped me to understand them with greater measure.
With time, I have come to a greater understanding—that we are not to see ourselves through our inadequate eyes, but through His. He does not perceive the same imperfections that we perceive in ourselves. Nor, should we devalue in others, any talent or character that God has created in perfection before we came into the earth.
God does move His hand on our behalf as we call upon Him. We only have to learn to listen and to pray—not from the emotional chaos of the mind, but from and through the heart.
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The author, Ramona Atkins-Smith, operates her own website from:
WYOMING~OUTPOST
http://www.wyoming-outpost.com
E~mail: Ramona Atkins-Smith
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